That's Immaterial!

(apologies if you've already read this on my other 2 blogs. sorry.)

Since I ride the subway all the doggone time, I get to hear a lot of "important announcements from the New York City Police Department." Everytime I hear the phrase "important announcement" I pay much closer attention to the broadcast sludge only to realize each and every time that it's just that thing about the police being able to open up your shit for no reason. Burn!

But those important annoucements (claim is extremely dubious by the way) are in no way the best pre-recorded MTA announcements you can listen to! (Not by a long shot. Listen up.)

So you know when you are riding the escalator and a series of announcements blast in your face about how to ride an escalator, the male and female announcers taking turns giving you advice and admonishments? Well, in case you missed those- here are some (face-framing) highlights, and then I will mock them in the usual fashion.

Female announcer: "Please. No materials on the escalator."

Uh. Materials? What are they trying to say while trying hard not to say it that makes them come up with "materials" as the stuff you CANNOT bring on an escalator? Is that short for "bomb-making materials"? I can definitely understand the MTA adopting a "please, no bomb-making materials" policy and it going over pretty well with the general public so why the shroud of mystery? Though, if I may digress for a moment - who is to say what makes a bomb these days. Certainly including Luke or Owen Wilson in the mix makes for a frothy brew.

Okay! Next announcement.

Male announcer: "Baby strollers, push carts, AND pull carts are not permitted on the escalator."

You can tell from the emphasis placed on "AND" that there must have been a LOT of confusion between MTA authorities and those whose job it is to either push or pull a cart for a living. At one time the announcement must have included only one of the two distinct types of carts with the offending parties citing confusing semantics in their argument to remain free men(or babes. Whatever.) "Push cart? Are you kidding me? Man, I been pullin' this thing around for years. I should push YOU! Specifically, into a Barnes & Noble where you can acquire both a copy of Strunk & White's 'The Elements of Style' as well as some first-year law texts stressing the importance of clarity!"

You know?

Okay last one.

Female or male announcer (I forget): "Avoid the sides of the escalator"

Okay, that one's not like CRAZY or anything but it makes me think that the MTA has never actually seen an escalator being used, and that concerns me. I have always hated how nowadays an escalator breaks into 2 lanes (walkers/standers) because people are in such a doggone rush! The whole point of this costly feat of engineering is making the entire staircase MOVE so you don't have to. Enjoy it I say!

Anyway, with a two lane system of any kind, be it "walkers & standers" or "standers & standers" or "Simon & Simon" - the challenge remains the same, how do you avoid the sides of a thing that is ALL SIDES! If you avoid the left side, you are no longer avoiding the right. It is absolutely impossible and I should know. I have tried to avoid all sides by positioning myself parallel to the sides in question and holding my breath for the duration of the ride to decrease my girth. Inevitably a walker will barge past and either my belongings or my hot bod (you know it) will crash into one of the sides I have done my best to avoid.

DOGGONE IT! It is just so hard to remain compliant in a world that champions such impossibly high standards.
I just wanted to share that with you.

previous / next

July 18 - 16 July 2007
Weekly recap. - 28 May 2007
That's Immaterial! - 25 May 2007
A Shalom to Arms! - 07 May 2007
YEAH RIGHT - 20 April 2007