Just me and ma bitch
So, as daughters go, I guess I'd have to say I'm pretty decent. I am not a complete stoop. I never had a gambling problem. I never smashed my mom's car because I never bothered to learn how to drive (NOT because I would even want to be seen crashing our car, which, to be honest, would be more of a mercy killing- but I digress). I never committed a crime and let my mom take the rap because I have priors. I never lied to my mom and said I was studying for a French test when I was, in fact, shooting heroin into my buttcheeks, and I never asked her for one of her kidneys, only to drink gallons of grain alcohol immediately following the transplant surgery rendering the kidney useless, after my body rejected it.
I also never forgot my mom's birthday, even though I am often too broke to acknowledge it properly. I'd like to get my mom an Audi hatchback, but instead she'll have to ride with a Saudi hunchback (in the form of a NYC cab, yall). I'd like my mom to go on trips to Italy and the tropics because she's been minding me, all on her own, for over 20 years. I don't need too much minding anymore, but she does it anyway- just because.
Dudes, I've known all KINDS of moms. Seriously, I'm a mom expert- and no mom is as wonderful a combination of hilarity, irreverance, reasonability, selflessness, strength and understanding as my mom. She is diplomatic and gracious (but grew up in Brooklyn and would kickyuhfugginass if she needed to). She looks great when she can't catch her breath from laughing with me (but she has asthma so if you see her not catching her breath for more than a few minutes, call 911)
Other moms make their kids finish everything on their plate, even when it's gross or needs salt. My mom never did that. She never treated me like a prisoner or an invalid. She never dragged me around like a parcel. She never used baby talk. She always included me. She showed her affection constantly and reaffirmed it daily with words and actions. She still does all these things but now it's me that tries to get her to drink effing soy milk already.
"No! It's BEAN JUICE!!!," she says.
Pfft...bean juice. Happy Birthday Mom.
6 comments so far
previous / next
July 18 - 16 July 2007
Weekly recap. - 28 May 2007
That's Immaterial! - 25 May 2007
A Shalom to Arms! - 07 May 2007
YEAH RIGHT - 20 April 2007