The boredom is palpable

I am so goddamn bored. I just ate a can of whipped cream and then thought the pressurized stuff inside might get me wasted but I didn't grow up in the suburbs and have no idea how to get high from whipped cream cans.

So instead I thought I would tell you about a fantasy of mine. So by now I think you have all heard about my Martha Stewart obsession. I have a subscription to her magazine I watch her on TV twice a day, I have her A&E Biography on tape and I bid on MSL back-issues on eBay.

Anyway- in my fantasy I am this totally slammin chef. I have written books on cooking as well as a variety of other subjects and am a household name among the cultural elite. I also boast a fairly large reputation as being a bit of a foul-mouthed cocky jackass but since my cooking is so fucking wicked and I am so world renown, Martha must risk my possible antics on her show and have me on at once. The first time she calls to have me on her show I tell her point blank: "Enough of this welfare mentality bullshit" (even though it totally doesn't make sense) because I know Martha is just gonna call back like 30 times. So Martha is really infuriated (but not at me) and threatens to fire half of Omnimedia if they cannot secure me a spot on the show.

So I agree and I go on the show. Now, I don't know whether you watch Martha Stewart Living on TV ever but she has this habit of subtly correcting her "experts" or one-upping her guests. Like for instance if her trainer Lisa is on and is all "blah blah blah do five reps of this..." Martha is quick to add that she likes to use heavier weights and do 7 reps. She reinforces buttons MORE than her tailor friend, her Creme Fraiche is way FRAICHER than her chef pals.... etc.

So I'm on there and we're cooking something that totally rips from my new book and, as expected she questions why I'm doing things a certain way.

"I always use FARM FRESH eggs. I didn't know you could use flax seed puree in place of eggs."

"Martha- what you don't know about me could fill a book."

And so on and so forth and like, for everytime she strikes out with her left, I block with my right you know? I reign supreme and I'm on the next flight out of Turkey Hill.

There. Now you know.

previous / next

July 18 - 16 July 2007
Weekly recap. - 28 May 2007
That's Immaterial! - 25 May 2007
A Shalom to Arms! - 07 May 2007
YEAH RIGHT - 20 April 2007

gathering cobwebs it's...the ebMpire!