I felt pretty bad about being SO lethargic yesterday so when my fever really kicked in at around 1am and I realized I probably wasn't getting to sleep anytime soon, I decided to read for a while. Two Sartre plays, and Terry Southern's 'Blue Movie' later- I went to sleep. I bought a paperback copy of Blue Movie in a used bookstore the other day so I wouldn't have to handle my nice first edition copy that I bought in Georgia a few years back. I opened it just to check it out really and then I realized I was half done so why not just finish it. It is now the only book I have ever read three times.
I woke up thinking, wow I read so much and keep such weird hours...how daddy of me. When I sat down at my computer there was an IM from my mom saying how my dad called her to apologize for any suffering he has caused her in the past 25 years. She thought that was really strong and brave- and it's true- because to know him is to know he doesn't apologize for anything- ever. I guess he is only now learning what it's like to live with responsibilities and moral obligations and love. It's weird. Being out of commission for 39 years. I can't even imagine. I'm glad they can talk again. I'm glad he has reached that step in his recovery process where you have to apologize to people. He told my mom she was at the top of the list.
I don't want an apology from him. I just want him to love me and know why. Not just say it. I was thinking about that the other day on the bus (where I do all my quality thinking) like... do millions of dads just feign interest in their kids lives because they feel obligated to? I guess I just have a hard time understanding why he would feel any sort of connection with my day-to-day or care. Incidentally i don't think he does- but well, I don't want to get all Pityland but I guess what i am driving at is 'what is the nature of parental love?' Like what if you just have a kid and - nothing- you feel nothing. It's like talking to someone you met on the bus.
My dad and I have spent so little time together that I wouldn't be surprised if he didn't love me. I sometimes wonder why I love him so much. Maybe it's something bigger than knowing a person. It's being a little chunk of that person. Something that defies logic.
np: Mazarin: What Sees the Sky?
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July 18 - 16 July 2007
Weekly recap. - 28 May 2007
That's Immaterial! - 25 May 2007
A Shalom to Arms! - 07 May 2007
YEAH RIGHT - 20 April 2007