Straight lampin'

I'm sorry for ignoring you diary. I would have continued to do so but the barrage of requests for updates was more than I could handle.

A few months ago it came to my attention that Cristal is not available in Ontario. Maybe not even in the Peoples Republic of Canada. This doesn't make sense since Ontario stocks all the other name-dropped libations of rap fame, including, but not limited to: Courvoissier, Remy Martin, Bacardi and Olde E. So why no Cristal? Does Toronto not floss with the best of them? Have the buttoned up fascists at the Cristal corporation never witnessed the white heat of the South Side Ridaz hydraulicized Impala? Or is the LCBO to blame for keeping the Cristal off the shelves?

For once in my life I just don't know. And so, I am doing what any responsible citizen or alcoholic surely would- writing a letter to get to the bottom of this. Below is an example (my letter) but feel free to put the sentiment into your own words. I don't expect it to have the same degree of eloquence- but I am a professional poet. And really, it's the *thought* that counts not mountains of style-

Dear Liquor Control Board of Ontario,
Please start stocking champagne I cannot afford so that I may make plans to steal some later this fall.

Cristal would be the obvious choice and why you have not chosen to import it until I asked, is beyond me. What the fuck is wrong with you people.

Elizabeth Mann

Readers- I truly hope that you will do the same because I inspire you with every flick of my wrist and toss of my hair. However, if you do not live in Canada, you can go write a letter to Mr. Noodle, Mr. Sub, Mister Donut, or Mr. Freeze and ask them why so many Canadian companies insist on anthropomorphizing noodles, sandwiches, donuts and popsicles.

And where are their donut, sandwich, noodle and popsicle wives? Are they gay? Not the type to settle down? I have wondered for years!

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July 18 - 16 July 2007
Weekly recap. - 28 May 2007
That's Immaterial! - 25 May 2007
A Shalom to Arms! - 07 May 2007
YEAH RIGHT - 20 April 2007