It's been a while! Sorry pals!
I thought I might do a WHATS HOT IN THE C.A.N.A.D.A. round-up for you non-Canadians out there! Here's the HOT SCOOP!!
So the government here is weirdz. We don't even let dudes try and do a thing before people say "This guy is kinda bogus, let's have a do-over!" So there's an election on Jan 23rd to pick a new Prime Minister (He's like a President except nobody would care if he got a blowjob, in fact, they'd probably just be kinda surprised and impressed), or keep the same one we have. It's sort of like a test to make a guy shit his pants I think. Not really sure. Anyway! I know who I'm voting for - but I told Mike and he said not to tell anyone else so... sorry!
Okay fine- I like the guy that is most like an American! Hint: It's not the Bloc candidate.
Tim Horton was a hockey player turned donut shoppe with amazing delights, but don't ever have a Hot Smoothee from there, okay? They're basically just hot milk with flavored scunge- not at all good!
Toronto is cold, but not cold like Montreal, Ottawa or the fucked up places like the Yukon and the Northwest Territories which is where we send bad people to die, or where eskimo dudes hang out and wait for a plane to bring them a Pepsi.
Did you know dudes (and dudesses) in Alberta get $400 just for being in Alberta?? It must be funny to watch broke people get $400. They probably all bought pinball machines or jukeboxes for their "homes" (Psst- broke people always buy the most illogical shit!)
Toronto has a POTTY MOUTH problem with regards to nightlife nomenclature! Parties and bands - a lot of names like 'Fuck Faces' , 'Slut School', 'Cock Party', 'Bukkake Katholik', 'Tit Fuck Me Jesus', and 'Shit La Merde' just to name a few. What's the problem? Embarrassed to be small-time? Paltry.
Canada is right above the United States!
General Motors is closing it's #1 plant and it's #2 plant- both in Oshawa, Ontario. Dudes who are going to lose their jobs (in THREE years, and probably not without a sweet severence package) are crying into their Molsons that the government should STOP GM from doing this- you know, because GM is a charity right? I mean, shouldn't they just go out of business rather than force Stan McDougall to go on a job interview? They'll feed you but they won't change your diaper, Oshawa! Start scrollin' up on Craigslist for another factory worker job that pays $80K a year I guess.
Bands dude! Canada is rife with kife! Have you heard Wolf Parade- the most annoying band in North America? I'm kinda over "totally annoying" as a vocal style- but they seem to be getting pretty popular! Also a hot trend here? Having 13+ people in your band. It's kinda Elephant 6, but also kinda like Elephant SUCKS. It's like when you start feeling like maybe you're getting famous, you ask your entire crew to join your band so you can take them with you. Perhaps when you realize it's hard to split a pie 11-teen ways, you shuck some dead weight- like your kazoo player. Sorry- that rant wasn't about Canada at all- just about bands with their own zip and/or postal code. No Dynamics rules, and so does Problem, DFA, Two Bears, and a bunch of others.
Moving on! I'll quote Mikey and say that "Weed is the new beer." Going back to the States is hilarious- how paranoid people are about it and how even on CSI they couldn't just have the dude that got caught with weed be a weed smoker- no, it turned out it was medicinal marijuana for his cancered-out sister! Awwwwww. You smell me? People here get blazed with their bosses after work like it's no thang. Awesome.
Taxes. There's so much! But I don't really notice. People that do are acting hella 'nadian.
On the news they do that annoying thing where they'll say "So-and-so was taken to hospital... " or "so-and-so is in hospital" like the British do. To me it just sounds like caveman talk. Me go in hospital. Stay long time. When I can leave hospital. Me want go Queenshead!
Alright dudes- I hope you have a really clear, unbiased portrait of life in Canada now! Please direct any questions to my comments area! And if you found my diatribe helpful, PLEASE CLICK THE PAYPAL DONATE BUTTON AND SUPPORT MY BLOG-WORTHY LIFESTYLE ALREADY. K thx.
Also, I'll be performing at Joke Club at the Drake Hotel on Tuesday, Dec. 6th. I will be vomiting up some laughs.
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July 18 - 16 July 2007
Weekly recap. - 28 May 2007
That's Immaterial! - 25 May 2007
A Shalom to Arms! - 07 May 2007
YEAH RIGHT - 20 April 2007