Let's Bungle!

International Team of Pals-

Some of you may have heard of the gruesome discovery made, say, on my street, of a woman's torso. This torso was found early Saturday morning by a neighbor of mine who mistook it for "a pig" that he planned to turn over with the help of a pitchfork he just happens to own for the purposes of performing an act almost as grisly- composting. I hope her parents read that in the Globe and Mail! Hey, in addition to your overwhelming sadness and horror at your daughter's untimely death, frightning dismemberment and indecent disposal, some Jetta-driving douchebag confused her with a pig!! It was also said that she was so grey and bloated she no longer resembled a human. Thanks for HAUNTING MY DREAMS, journalism! I thought you were a real profession, but I guess I should know better having grown up around NY Post's PowerHoff.

So police began their canvas a whopping 10 hours later. Hey man, I know most of Parkdale ain't going anywhere but I don't know too many witnesses who hang around a crime scene for half a DAY waiting for a cop to yap at them. I even went out to talk to THEM, but was sent back to my house with assurance that they would be by in a moment. I waited, turned on the TV and learned it wasn't a dead body, merely a dead torso- and not a murder scene, merely a dumping ground. My fears not quite assuaged, I forced myself to sleep until the party hour was reached, and I could leave the house with purpose.


I learned from Dennis and Claire, who live 1.5 blocks from Mike and I, that the police had been by to talk to everyone in their building that afternoon (what?), and left notes for tenants who were not home at the time. Another friend who lives in the same building tells me she was asked if she heard screaming. Screaming coming from WHERE exactly? The neck? Or perhaps screams of regret from the dumper? "Oh WHYYYYY!!! WHY AM I DUMPING A BODY HERE!!!?? HELP! THIS NEIGHBORHOOD IS SO UP AND COMING! WHAT AM I THINKING??" I mean their questions are just retardular- it's like, don't THEY watch CSI??

I've also seen all this news footage of policemen talking to Korean convenience store owners (who totes can barely speak english) and they're showing them the picture of the goldtone anklet the lady was wearing on the leg they found in North York, asking "Have you seen this bracelet? She was wearing it.. have you seen it?" Like what the HELL, people?? Yes, she threw her LEG up on the counter each time she paid for her pack of Podiums, and 649 with Encore. It's an ANKLET, those, while kinda wack, are invariably worn on ANKLES and thus NOT OFTEN SEEN in winter timez.

Okay, one more thing before I totally spazz. They keep talking about THE LEG, thee leg, ONE leg, "a" leg, never "her legs" or "pair of legs" or even "some or several legs"! Yet! The posters all over Parkdale say the anklet was worn on the left ankle whereas the cloth Tensor bandage (What else do they make them out of? Corn?) was on her RIGHT foot. Now even a NON-CSI asshole like me can count 2 legs being described here. So where is this other leg? Only the Globe and Mail makes a reference to it- and they probably only do because of these ridiculous posters and TV reports. Whither legs? And one more thing- how hard is it to tell how tall she is??? You have a torso, you have a leg- now unless she has some giant FREAK head or giraffe neck, or I am totally forgetting about another part of the human body that is not a torso or legs, you can make a decent estimate, or even, a guesstimate. But I've heard 5'6"...5'9"...I've also heard her called 'heavyset', when I was under the impression that we shared the same height and weight and even patted my breasts upon hearing about the crime to make sure it wasn't, in fact, my torso that was found in the alley off Milky Way Ln (interestingly enough - adjacent to a vacant lot Mike and I pass all the time on our way to the library and about which i have said on numerous occasions would be a great place to dump a body) Obviously who ever was listening misunderstood me slightly. I said over the fence! OVER the fence!!!

Total bungles all, total bungles.


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July 18 - 16 July 2007
Weekly recap. - 28 May 2007
That's Immaterial! - 25 May 2007
A Shalom to Arms! - 07 May 2007
YEAH RIGHT - 20 April 2007